This new General Motors vehicle, the world's first Personal Eighteen Wheeler, is the big brother of the SUV. The sports utility vehicle has transformed the American highway system this decade. Millions of families have discovered the utility of taking more stuff with them on weekend outings and vacations and of having more space on those shorter trips to soccer practice and piano lessons for the kids.
Now, however, it is becoming clear that there is just simply not enough room in the typical SUV. Our mobile American way of life is being threatened by the limited size of these cramped vehicles, which don't even permit practicing free throws during a trip.
With this breakthrough vehicle, never again will an American family be forced to leave its large screen TV at home while at the beach. The typical wife, frustrated over having to do without 30 or 40 pairs of shoes, can at last take all of them with her. No more sleeping in beds that don't provide enough support; take your own beds with you. The days of having to board your dogs and cats are over.
A study commissioned by GM has found that 77 percent of the contents of your home can be taken with you in your Personal Eighteen Wheeler, which the study shortened to PEW. There's even room for Dad to practice his putting and for the kids to rollerblade while Mom is tooling up I-95.
Want to tow a smaller vehicle with you to zip around the beach? Forget towing. Park it inside your Personal Eighteen Wheeler and save tire wear.
Never again will you be intimidated by all those SUVs crowding the highway and blocking your view. Your PEW positions you seven feet higher than the SUV, giving you an unimpeded view of your surroundings.
Armed with the fact that the PEW will change the world forever, President Bush will soon announce that America's new manifest destiny is to expand across the entire planet. Before this can happen, two major problems must be solved: limited oil and limited highways.
First, the report details plans to solve the oil shortage problem. We have to have more oil. Period. These innovative vehicles won't run on air. So, we have to go where the oil is and get it. End of argument. First we go to the Arctic Wildlife Refuge because it is closer. No more nonsense from environmentalists about saving the pristine area that no one except animals can get to anyway. By extending roads into the area, President Bush will open up an untouched wonderland for all Americans to explore in our PEWs. GM's off-road, all-wheel-drive model features a side panel that, at the flip of a switch, converts your PEW into a caribou blind where you can squeeze off a few rounds before they know you are there.
As impressive as our own oil supply is, it is not enough. We have to make sure that American interest in Arab oil is not threatened. Under President Bush's leadership, American influence will soon spread over the entire Arab world, making the PEW more commonplace than the camel. There will be no more oil cartels because our PEWs will convert empty deserts into tourist attractions for millions of Americans and increase the standard of living for all Arabs. The big question is how the PEW will get to those far away lands.
The answer is American ingenuity. Concerned about jump starting our economy, GM and President Bush have come up with the most ambitious construction project in history: the first Transworld Highway system. Taking most of a decade and costing only $20 trillion, this roadway will physically connect America with Europe by way of the Artic Circle. Plans for direct links with Asia and the Middle East already are on paper, providing full employment for all Americans for the foreseeable future.
When the American-Artic-European Highway is completed, you can climb into your PEW in Atlanta and drive all the way to Iraq after, of course, we have freed its people. You'll be able to combine sightseeing with some missionary work for your church. You could, for example, stop by the Egyptian Pyramids or take a side trip to Mecca in Saudi Arabia and be greeted by all the friendly people who, thanks to our troops by then in several Arab countries, will be living for the first time under democracy where they have freedom of speech and are free to worship just like Americans. Of course, it may be a while before they can afford their own PEWs, but a whole tourist industry to greet Americans will sprout overnight in Arab countries freed for democracy.
More tantalizing details will be coming out about the PEW such as its awesome four miles per gallon gasoline rating that is a breakthrough in engine efficiency for a personal vehicle of its size. According to the White House report, perhaps most special will be its industry-first, ride-it-now financing that only private industry could have created but guaranteed by the United States government.
We Americans will soon be PEWing all over the world. The likes of Saddam Hussein will be forgotten and left in our dust. More importantly, we will be fulfilling our New Manifest Destiny.
