Robert "Bobby" Wilson knows about adversity and he knows how to overcome it. Family and friends have watched and rooted as Bobby has been valiantly fighting a battle to complete his bachelor's degree in electrical engineering. But six years in and with only 87 credits to show for his efforts his frustrated parents are considering setting a timetable to cut off funding for his education. Full Story >> |
Dr. Victor Frankenstein held a town square press conference today to announce the death of the town menace, Frankenstein's Monster. The Monster was killed by an elite mob of villagers in the early morning hours with a precision pitchfork attack. Full Story >> |
Dead Fish Swimming Hundreds of Pittsburgh area activists and citizens held a candlelight vigil at the PPG Aquarium at the Pittsburgh Zoo to protest recently leaked e-mails that seem to prove what many animal rights groups, death penalty opponents and zoo patrons have feared all along. The aquarium has been acting, since its inception, as a sort of "salt water death row" for the zoo and aquarium industry. Full Story >> |
In response to Vice President Cheney's recent hunting accident, Republican strategist and longtime gun safety authority, Mary Matalin, has begun production on a DVD designed to "teach you all you need to know about gun and hunting safety." Full Story >> |
The National Football League announced last month that it had struck a deal with the Rolling Stones to perform in the halftime show of Super Bowl XL. In addition, it appears that the NFL has agreed to the Rolling Stones' demand that NFL security for the Super Bowl will be handled by the Hells Angels Motorcycle Club, LLC. Full Story >> |
The dangers are greater than you can compute, moron With the flu season underway, many public health officials are publicly discussing their concern of the effects of a public flu epidemc. They are most concerned, however, with a certain kind of flu. The nerd flu. Full Story >> |
Woodward. Bush Approval. Grizzlies. Jordanian Bomber. Etc. Full Story >> |
Since having to tragically end their month long vacation two days early to return to Washington for hurricane Katrina photo-ops, the Bush family has found it mentally necessary to "live their lives" by planning next summer's five week vacation. Full Story >> |
President Bush admitted today that he is still "not satisfied with the results" of his administration's lies to the media concerning the government's response to hurricane Katrina. Full Story >> |
President Bush's top advisors have decided to blame the media and liberals for playing the "blame game" during their public relations nightmare known as hurricane Katrina. Full Story >> |
The Bush administration is working hard this weekend to highlight the distress Hurricane Katrina has caused its core supporters, the Have-mores. Full Story >> |
A federal judge ruled Tuesday in Chicago that United Airlines (UAL) may temporarily postpone safety inspections on any plane that carries more than 83 passengers. Industry analysts say the move will help the company in its ongoing contract negotiations with the mechanics' and machinists' union. Full Story >> |
It is fitting that Charm City itself was the host of a very charming event last night. The 54th annual Miss USA pageant came to a close with Miss North Carolina, Chelsea Cooley, atop the pile of future Playboy "Special Issue" models. Full Story >> |
The death of Arthur Miller sent shockwaves through the nation's high schools last week. The most noticeable reactions were from English teachers who were surprised and ashamed to find out that Arthur Miller was still alive. Most believed he had died years ago. Full Story >> |
Bill Cosby today replied publicly to the multiple allegations of sexual abuse being levied against him by explaining that most, if not all, of the allegations are related to a "Buck-Buck" tournament. Full Story >> |
A small but violent protest broke out today at the end of a Chinese New Year celebration in a San Francisco ballroom. The protesters were apparently expecting a performance by three members of the 1960's super group Crosby Stills, Nash and Young (CSNY).
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A group calling themselves the Florida Aquatic Related Property Owners for Truth (FARPOT) have filed suit in a Florida court to stop environmental groups from trying to protect the state's endangered manatee population. Full Story >> |
Pop star cites school violence studies in decision Britney Spears has begun to make a habit of initiating counter productive career moves and last week the trend continued Full Story >> |
Star will also change her fake accent Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone, better known to the world as the pop music superstar Madonna, has decided to change her name to Esther. The change comes after the FCC ruling earlier this week that the word "Madonna" had implicit sexual meaning thanks to the star's long career of nudity, swearing and nudity. Full Story >> |
This week, anyone with a television set has learned that Ronald Reagan worked very hard during his Presidency to fill the American people with hope for the future. Short-sighted critics have always contended that food may have been better, but it's hard to argue with the warming, whiskey-like feel of a belly full of hope. Full Story >> |
Jump to celebrate, possibly end life Former President Bush announced this week that he will go ahead with his planned parachute jump on Saturday to mark his 80th birthday. Full Story >> |
On Monday night President Bush kicked off a televised mini-series event entitled "Redundancy: Postponing Failure with Inaction." The six part series of speeches will be forced upon the voting public at random intervals between now and the handover of power in Iraq on June 30. Full Story >> |
The future of baseball is warehousing In a move that may signify the future of baseball, San Francisco's Giants Stadium has become WiFi enabled. Larry Baer, the Giant's chief operating officer says this will allow baseball fans to connect to the internet instead of watching the painfully boring games that the future drug-free MLB would undoubtedly produce. Full Story >> |
Less is more Local cycling enthusiast and road rage sufferer Tom Tiddnam has gone against his wife's advice and decided to purchase a handgun to carry while biking. Full Story >> |
Also considering moratorium on speaking, reading In a move designed to further protect its cultural superiority, France's upper parliament voted today to extend the ban on religious symbols in state schools to include Islamic headscarves. Full Story >> |
Terrorists Cry Foul Education Secretary Rod Paige today called the National Education Association a "terrorist group" but later apologized for the remark saying that it was insensitive to well-meaning terrorists everywhere. Full Story >> |
What to do? Former Vermont Governor, Dr. Howard Dean dropped out of the Democratic Presidential primary race today and took a plane back to Vermont to begin thinking about what to do with all of his now free time. Full Story >> |
A major U.S./Canadian border crossing was closed for an hour yesterday after customs officials found what they are calling "a disturbingly small amount of gasoline" in a vehicle on its way to Seattle. Full Story >> |
Won't commit to clean fuels inside of bubble The Bush administration announced today that it is pulling out of a proposed clean air summit with NASA and environmental groups. The focus of the summit was to be to create a set of air quality standards in the administrations proposed "human settlement" on the Moon, which has been dubbed "The Bubble." Full Story >> |
Halliburton-KBR awarded lucrative, no-bid Moon preparation contract President Bush last week proposed lofty new goals for the US space program. Some of the goals were claiming the Moon as a launching site for future space missions and a manned mission to Mars for which no reason was given. Full Story >> |
Re-branding to "Denny's Classic" M&M's recently announced plans to remove the color from it's colorful hard shelled candy, selling only black and white candies for the first few months of 2004. The marketing gimmick will culminate in a contest in which bags of colored M&M's will be reintroduced one at a time for lucky customers to find a la "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory."
Inspired by the marketing move, Denny's restaurant chain announced today that it will also be removing color from it's ambiance and revert to serving only white customers. The move will be part of a contest entitled "Spot the Color".
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Vomiting widespread Hundreds of thousands of US citizens are awakening on New Year's Day suffering from an apparent biological attack by the Al-Qaeda terrorist network. Victims from all over the country are complaining of headaches, vomiting and general grogginess after being poisoned during traditional New Year's Eve celebrations. Full Story >> |
Mad rush to suck up gets out of hand In a revelation of near biblical proportions Jesus has admitted that last Saturday he was trampled by Michael Jackson supporters at a much publicized gathering at the performer's Neverland Ranch. Full Story >> |
She fought against both sternly and occasionally A new report released today shows that since Princess Diana's Death in 1997 there have been steady and parallel rises in both land mine use and Royal gay sex.
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Company bets on used food Responding to Amazon.com's launch of a gourmet food store earlier this month, the online auction house eBay has decided to allow its community to sell food products. Full Story >> |
At an afternoon press conference, a spokesman for your state's Department of Transportation said that a new report commissioned by the department showed... Full Story >> |
Investigative report Boston based Gillette, Co. announced better than expected third quarter earnings with razor and blade sales jumping 17% and Duracell battery sales up with an 8% industry-wide surge. Publicly, Gillette is thanking the North East blackout and Hurricane Isabel for a one-time gain in battery sales and favorable currency exchange rates for a favorable currency exchange but some industry analysts are suggesting that something more insidious is happening. Full Story >> |
As the brute force of Hurricane Isabel threatens the East Coast, Wyomians are once again ignoring a mandatory evacuation order by the National Hurricane Center.
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Or so a quickly read news ticker seems to say According to local newspaper editor Pete Tellington, US soldiers in Iraq mistakenly shot and killed Johnny Cash and John Ritter on "Thursday or Friday" of last week. Full Story >> |
"One step closer to not lying," says former aide President Bush addressed the nation on television Sunday night to state a few things that, in recent months, have become common knowledge. Full Story >> |
Official inquiry underway Official inquiry underway Oak Mills High School sophomore Jeremy White has been accused by the school's administration and the media of turning in a "sexed up" version a book report at the end of his freshman year.Full Story >> |
Parents question the educational value of cargo pants An economic report due out this week from the University of Michigan is expected to present good news about consumer confidence as schools all across the nation begin classes again and ridiculous promotions and advertising for "back-to-school" sales subside. Full Story >> |
Celebrating Martyrdom! On Wednesday, June 18th the revered editors of an esteemed local newspaper reported the following notice Full Story >> |
"Hey batter, batter! Hum now, batter!" Little League coach Mike Jones called a time-out today to inform his team that he was raising the team's "Fielding Alert Level" to orange due to increased chatter from the opposing bench. In the bottom-of-the-sixth meeting, Jones let his team know that while there was no specific information as to what the other team was planning, their baseball chatter had reached new levels of loudness and nonsense which called for vigilance in the field. Full Story >> |
Americans offer another win-win situation in Iraq The US led coalition forces in Iraq, who have recently received criticism for not securing the streets of Baghdad quickly enough, have instituted 20-day jail sentences for looters.
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Child suffrage activists pee themselves with excitement While Democrats are calling President Bush's use of a military jet to land on the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln a photo opportunity for his re-election campaign, previously unpublished photos may show a much more suspicious reason for the trip. Full Story >> |
Says he Hans Blix, who was laid off as UN weapons inspector three months ago, has taken a lower paying position as a Middle East Peace traffic control officer. Full Story >> |
Sadly, he has the proof When Brian Angstrom received his new digital camera for Christmas, he was excited to snap great candid pictures of all his family and friends.
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As always, he's right Software usability expert Jakob Nielsen made a surprise announcement on his website useit.com this week that he will be branching out from website/software usability and now be including lingual and cultural usability into his studies.
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Goes deep into the bush to get the story When the War in Iraq started last month, veteran fashion journalist Jake "The Snake" Johnson was surprised to see his trademark reporting style in use on the front lines. Full Story >> |
"The Baath Party has left a ring around Baghdad."
US Secretary of State Colin Powell told a UN committee today that the Bush administration has chosen a succeeding party to Saadam Hussein's Baath party in Iraq. Full Story >> |
Newfound rebellion Things just don't seem the same for recently divorced Pamela Brierton. More than the change in everyday routine or living on one quarter of the income as before her divorce, the 38-year-old mother of two has realized that for years she has been doing whatever she was told. Full Story >> |
"For a Defense Secretary, he's very offensive" Out of what appears to be sheer habit, US Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld made several unnecessarily offensive statements Saturday Night to Mike Grubb, a Domino's Pizza delivery driver in the Washington D.C. suburbs. Full Story >> |
Also wants to know where babies come from For the first time in his 23-year career as a Lutheran Pastor, Bob Smithton was rendered silent after being asked a theological question Wednesday night at the home of a parishioner. Full Story >> |
Says goodbye to Velcro Speaking informally at a Republican fundraising dinner yesterday, Barbara Bush told a group from the Grandmothers of America (GMA) that her son Georgie learned to tie his shoe last weekend. Full Story >> |
:-) quickly turned to :-O and :'-( One Land O' Lakes employee and two consultants were killed today when the server that powers the corporation's instant messaging system exploded at the IS facilities in Arden Hills, Minn.
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How to cheaperize your office In these days of ever tightening budgets, office efficiency has again become the concern of many managers. The recession has been the boom for companies that specialize in office efficiency studies.
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Shoes make the man It's a rare feat when a pair of shoes changes one's life but that's exactly what happened to Chad Gowan, 28, when he stepped into a new pair of Merrell clogs a few months ago. Full Story >> |
One story in our series on the dickification of America Peabody's filling station in Crackersboro, Tennessee has been a staple of the community for 25 years. When it opened in 1977 it meant the townsfolk no longer had to make the 15 mile trip to Jewton Falls to get gas and sundries from Hymie's Cheap Stop. Full Story >> |
Class action pant suit A group of consumers in California has brought a class action suit against Levi Strauss & Co. in which they claim that the brand showed 'gross negligence' in the marketing of its newest khaki innovation. Docker's new Stain Defender Khakis are being advertised as a revolution in stain resistance. One commercial goes as far as to show some idiot pouring juice on himself to illustrate that the pants will not accept the liquid. Full Story >> |
Old-timey Irish song facilitates afternoon puking Boston's premiere KissŪ cover band, Plaster Caster has added and extended jam of an old Irish song entitled "Whiskey Before Breakfast" in the middle of its rendition of "Rock and Roll All Night". The band's website says the idea came from Randy Moser the hard-drinking lead guitarist of the cover band. Full Story >> |
Global warming needs a kick start At the behest of the entire Northeastern seaboard, which has been in deep freeze since mid-August, Virginia prosecutors have agreed to a temporary release of sniper suspect Lee Malvo. The reason for the release, to "take care of" Punxatawney Phil therefore insuring an early end to winter, was leaked to media today by a source from inside the super secret government agency NOAA, a.k.a., the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. Full Story >> |
Doctors will be on hand It's been just over a year since President Bush fainted from choking on a pretzel while watching an NFL playoff game and the White House is taking steps to make sure the incident doesn't repeat itself.
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ompany plans to "keep it Rael, aaaiight?" Clonaid, the company that claims to have successfully cloned a human, held a press conference today to respond to the statement made earlier this week by an independent scientist that the company's claims could be "an elaborate hoax". Clonaid was founded by a religious sect known as the Raelians who believe life on earth was created by aliens. They also believe that humans were originally clones of the aliens but apparently with a special "gullibility gene" added. Full Story >> |
Increased confidence brought by enlarged bank account President Bush announced his new economic plan this week much to the delight of himself.
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Malaysian families already lining up to sell their children to the new "school" Atlanta based Home Depot Inc. (NYSE- HD) announced this week that it will be relocating it's popular "Kid's Workshop" overseas. The home improvement chain, which has had a craptastic year financially with it's stock dropping over 50 percent in value, this week warned that it's fourth quarter earnings will pretty much suck too. Full Story >> |
Anarchists say, "It's about time" Kroger Co., the largest U.S. supermarket chain, is testing a new system that allows shoppers to pay with their fingerprint. Local shoplifters are boasting that they were "way ahead of the curve" on this technology. Full Story >> |
Requests presence of lawyer Local mall Santa George Graham has issued a report which indicates that he and his staff of elves have made "no progress" in their interviews with alleged naughty boy, Ralph Carson. Full Story >> |
Lott's self approval rating expected to plummet In a written statement released today, Senator Trent Lott's (Rep.- Miss.) "hair" says it will be stepping down in January. Senator Lott has been embroiled in a bitter controversy since recently shocking the nation by implying that a 61-year-old white man from Mississippi might be racist. Full Story >> |
Site now offers dental insurance and so much more Readers of the online political analysis journal Witty Tirade.com were surprised last week to find the insightful, profanity-peppered content they know and love replaced by a marketing tool. Full Story >> |
"Crude oil is not even see-through" A debilitated oil tanker split in two and sank Tuesday off the northern coast of Spain, causing alarm for environmental groups and voyeurs alike. The Bahamas registered ship has already spilled 2.5 million gallons of oil into the ocean near Spain and may spill the rest of it's 20 million gallons which will undoubtedly cause significant damage to fishing reserves and wildlife as well as the closure of topless beaches all along the coast. Full Story >> |
Kitten body modification may have been practiced earlier than originally thought Anthropologists from the University of Maryland today announced that they have uncovered what they believe to be the earliest known U.S. photo of Bonsai Kitten style cat body modification. Full Story >> |
Confusion in the House When Rep. Richard A. Gephardt (D- Mo.) stepped down as the House Democratic leader after Tuesday's mid-term election sweep by Republicans, he sparked an intense debate amongst House Democrats. Full Story >> |
It might be less often than you think In his mid-thirties and recently laid-off for the second time in five years, Brad Pitchowski has tried many ways to bring attention to his resume. Full Story >> |
Still no decision on the Scottish The Augusta National Golf Club this week will reverse one of it's membership rules, allowing transvestites to join the club. The club has come under fire recently from the National Council of Women's Organizations for not allowing female members to join. Full Story >> |
Some claim his new preternatural powers have gone to his head In a special midnight session of the Senate on Saturday,
The ghost of Minnesota Senator Paul Wellstone (D) introduced legislation aimed at toughening air safety standards for small charter aircraft. Senator Wellstone died Friday in a small plane crash just one day prior to the session. Full Story >> |
"We demand restitution" Microsoft today apologized to the city of New York for a guerilla ad campaign that included hundreds of butterfly decals plastered all over New York's midtown. Full Story >> |
Saddam Hussein's nationwide amnesty seen as conservation move With the release of tens of thousands of prisoners this week, Iraq has signaled a change in it's decades old "catch and release" policies. President Saddam Hussein granted amnesty to most of the prisoners in the country including convicts and political prisoners alike. Full Story >> |
Doesn't realize he's ogling George Stevenson, 33-year-old married father of one, realized this week that all college girls are hot. Full Story >> |
Yogurt companies bring brinkmanship to advertising campaigns In the fast paced world of corporate yogurt producers anything goes, and often does. As headline after headline exposes the seedy underbelly of the yogurt industry the companies themselves seem oblivious to the public relations nightmare that they are creating. Full Story >> |
Lawyer says they better be "good to the last cent" Just days after a Los Angeles County jury awarded $28 billion to a smoker with lung cancer, a jury in Florida this week returned a $28 thousand award to long time coffee drinker Marian Owen. Full Story >> |
At a press conference today FBI profiler Derrick Atkins detailed the psychological makeup of the Maryland sniper who has been on a killing spree since last Wednesday. Full Story >> |
Sources say ex-star will take any jab at America The Al- Jazeera television network released an audiotape Sunday it said was made by Osama bin Laden. The contents of the tape are reported to be an explanation of the al Qaeda September 11, 2001 attacks on New York and Washington, D.C. The Pentagon immediately called in top FBI sound analysts to try to verify that the voice on the tape was bin Laden's.
"The shocking truth of the matter," says FBI sound analyst Chip Edwards, "is that the voice on the tape is actually Rich Little."
"It's entirely believable to think that he is involved in this horrible plot," said an another FBI agent speaking on condition of anonymity. "Rich Little is a foreigner of the Canadian variety who has basically made a career of brazenly making fun of many of our presidents and our way of life."
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Pleads guilty if conditions are met Suspected "Shoe Bomber" Richard Reid, who is charged with trying to kill hundreds of people by igniting a bomb on an international flight, agreed to plead guilty to the eight charges against him in Federal Court yesterday. Full Story >> |
England's cows are "angry but not mad" over move by French France lifted it's importation ban on British beef this week some 10 months after the European Court declared the ban illegal. The move signals the upcoming deaths of many, many British cows. Full Story >> |
Translation error almost starts the "Inevitable War" Iraq has agreed to allow U.N. arms inspectors back into Iraq today after an incorrect translation in the terms of the agreement almost derailed the talks late yesterday. Full Story >> |
More white kids than you can shake a stick at Approximately 2,000 rich white kids from around the nation protested in Washington, D.C. on Friday, against what they say are misguided policies in place by the International Monetary Fund and the World Bank. Full Story >> |
Multi-site internet tribute to Andrew Marlatt's SatireWire.
Dell Meant To "remember," Not "recall," Laptop Parts Full Story >> |
New mouse to smell more like user's hand According to a recent press release by Fellowes, a company that sells computer accessories around the globe, "At Fellowes, the future is now." Full Story >> |
New study confirms the obvious A new study released today by the University of Georgia suggests that US males do not find Paula Zahn as attractive as they did a year ago. Full Story >> |
Nation's fascination with hero imagery waning. Women return to wanting men with money. A lot in America changed on 09/11/2001. The country as a whole seemed to understand how precious life was. We lost our petty distrust of the police, we remembered to give blood and donate to charities. Many wonder if we haven't slipped back to our old ways since then. Full Story >> |
Desperate attempt to shift domestic policy away from controversy President Bush last week kicked off his new domestic policy allegedly code named "Love Me", by speaking out against forest fires. Full Story >> |
Late night lawyers plead their case In what is being called a very unorthodox legal move, lawyers for a coalition of late-night television hosts have successfully moved to have a judge postpone setting a trial date for Winona Ryder. Full Story >> |
Promise to bury attacking armies "in their own coffins" could be a boon to the private sector Saddam Hussein's pledge yesterday that any force invading Iraq will be "buried in it's own coffins" was met with excitement by the United Brotherhood of Carpenters. Full Story >> |
"Clear case of Biological Warfare," says Gov. In recent weeks Louisiana has an experienced four deaths and 88 illnesses caused by West Nile Virus, which is transmitted by mosquitoes and carried by birds. There have also been three serial killings near Louisiana State University. Some in the state don't think this is a coincidence. Full Story >> |
By scrapping centralized database Attorney General confuses everyone U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft confirmed this week that all TIPS data will be kept in his personal secretary's head. Ashcroft called a press conference today to clarify the confusing remarks he made to Senators last week when speaking of the controversial new TIPS program. Full Story >> |
Fellow "actors" to remind Lowe that you can live on $1.2 million per year Rob Lowe's friends and some of Hollywood's top former television stars will hold an intervention for Lowe later this week sources tell the US Press. Full Story >> |
Analysts praise the new Insta-Crash technology Western Digital Corporation, well known for it's line of Caviar Hard Drives, has announced this week that it will be breaking the 200G barrier. Full Story >> |
'Department of Agencies' has an ominous ring to some The Department of Homeland Defense, headed by Tom Ridge has been through it's share of changes in it's first few months of existence, and this week was no different. Full Story >> |
How the USPS created a master race team Lance Armstrong and the USPS cycling team have achieved one of their major goals at this year's "Tour of France", the world-famous cycling and doping festival that moves through the French countryside every year. Full Story >> |
Has a secret meeting given Moussaoui new life? Federal authorities are investigating an apparent jailhouse visit between federal Judge Leonie Brinkema and alleged "20th hijacker" Zacarias Moussaoui late Saturday night. Full Story >> |
Many in the state upset that 'Largest Banruptcy' record fell so soon There is a new feeling of embarrassment and shame in Texas concerning Houston based Enron's record breaking bankruptcy filing late last year. Full Story >> |
Panel to study why athletes attract women who need beatings As it has become painfully clear over the last few years that professional sports has a problem with domestic violence, team owners from the NBA, NFL, NHL, and MLB have put together a panel of top psychological and sociological experts this week to determine the breadth and depth of domestic violence among it's players. Full Story >> |
Claims he "Never really looked at it before" Systems Analyst II, Mike Devers, 29 of Columbus, Ohio had an enlightening yet embarrassing epiphany yesterday when he finally noticed that the logo on his Handspring Visor was representative of a upside down person doing a handspring. Full Story >> |
