Dr. Victor Frankenstein held a town square press conference today to announce the death of the town menace, Frankenstein's Monster. The Monster was killed by an elite mob of villagers in the early morning hours with a precision pitchfork attack. Full Story >> |
Woodward. Bush Approval. Grizzlies. Jordanian Bomber. Etc. Full Story >> |
French and Palestinian spokesmen declared Yasser Arafat officially "not dead" three times today, up once from yesterday. The ailing Palestinian leader is reportedly vying for a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records for being reported alive the most times in one news cycle. Full Story >> |
US Central Command in Iraq today announced that they have found evidence of the much sought-after Iraqi Weapons Stockpile. A team of Soldiers from the 607th Ordnance Group has uncovered what they believe to be a weapons development facility in an "affluent" suburb of Baghdad. Full Story >> |
Also considering moratorium on speaking, reading In a move designed to further protect its cultural superiority, France's upper parliament voted today to extend the ban on religious symbols in state schools to include Islamic headscarves. Full Story >> |
Ship owners worldwide on lookout for row boat Responding to various recent threats directed at the western maritime industry the Pentagon in a press conference today vowed to hunt down and eliminate all of the 28 ships suspected of being commanded by Al Qaeda. Full Story >> |
Guns finally back aboard passenger aircrafts Al Qaeda members all across the world celebrated the US announcement today to put armed marshals on all international flights to and from US international hubs.
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More leakage from Pentagon New Pentagon video lends credence to claims made by Cardinal Renato Martino, head of the Vatican's Justice and Peace department and a former papal envoy to the United Nations, just days after Saddam Hussein's arrest that U.S. military officials treated the ousted Iraqi president "like a cow."
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And his Johnny Carson is disgraceful Early interrogations of captured former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein have revealed one surprising fact about the man: He can't do Walken.
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She fought against both sternly and occasionally A new report released today shows that since Princess Diana's Death in 1997 there have been steady and parallel rises in both land mine use and Royal gay sex.
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Nation allowing rebels to amass bows and arrows The U.N. Security Council will meet today to discuss possible sanctions against the tiny South Pacific nation of New Caledonia. In what is technically still a French territory, local pro-independence "freedom wanters" are suspected of stockpiling large numbers of bows and arrows. Full Story >> |
Or so a quickly read news ticker seems to say According to local newspaper editor Pete Tellington, US soldiers in Iraq mistakenly shot and killed Johnny Cash and John Ritter on "Thursday or Friday" of last week. Full Story >> |
Americans offer another win-win situation in Iraq The US led coalition forces in Iraq, who have recently received criticism for not securing the streets of Baghdad quickly enough, have instituted 20-day jail sentences for looters.
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Says he Hans Blix, who was laid off as UN weapons inspector three months ago, has taken a lower paying position as a Middle East Peace traffic control officer. Full Story >> |
"The Baath Party has left a ring around Baghdad."
US Secretary of State Colin Powell told a UN committee today that the Bush administration has chosen a succeeding party to Saadam Hussein's Baath party in Iraq. Full Story >> |
War to be put on pause so as to not damage the environment In a recent stop at an Iraqi emissions station, over 90% of coalition vehicles failed, and were labeled as "polluters." The offending vehicles were ordered off the road, in accordance with the Clean Air War Act, passed by the UN in 1997. Cleaner burning Japanese "Hybrid" versions of the war vehicles are rumored to be on the way. Full Story >> |
NBC vows not to pre-empt 'Friends' God will reveal his Divine Plan for Humanity on Thursday, and many observers are certain that, whatever His key points are, they themselves will not need to fundamentally change anything. Full Story >> |
The race for the Prize Our first story from the Pan Galactic News Wire
On Earth Standard Date December 10, 2002 the annual presentation of the Nobel Peace Prize was held in Oslo, Norway. Although the planet is not one metric iota closer to actually achieving total peace, presenters saw no reason why they shouldn't continue to shower accolades on those who say they have worked hardest toward this elusive goal, Rich White Men. This year ex-US President Jimmy Carter accepted the prize for his efforts in a mid 1970's peace agreement.
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U.N. Inspectors don't know what to do with all the duct tape The location for the Miss World Pageant scheduled for December 9 was changed from Nigeria to London on Friday, due to violent protests in Nigeria. Unfortunately, equipment for the UN weapons inspectors was routed through Nigeria on the same day, causing a luggage mix-up of epic proportions. Full Story >> |
Iraqi Parliament Pretends to Condemn U.N. Plan
The Iraqi Parliament on Monday decried the U.N. resolution on weapons inspections as ill-intended, dishonest and worthy of rejection. The members of the Parliament seemed thrilled, however, that they had the opportunity to pretend that what they decide matters. Full Story >> |
Saddam Hussein's nationwide amnesty seen as conservation move With the release of tens of thousands of prisoners this week, Iraq has signaled a change in it's decades old "catch and release" policies. President Saddam Hussein granted amnesty to most of the prisoners in the country including convicts and political prisoners alike. Full Story >> |
England's cows are "angry but not mad" over move by French France lifted it's importation ban on British beef this week some 10 months after the European Court declared the ban illegal. The move signals the upcoming deaths of many, many British cows. Full Story >> |
Translation error almost starts the "Inevitable War" Iraq has agreed to allow U.N. arms inspectors back into Iraq today after an incorrect translation in the terms of the agreement almost derailed the talks late yesterday. Full Story >> |
Promise to bury attacking armies "in their own coffins" could be a boon to the private sector Saddam Hussein's pledge yesterday that any force invading Iraq will be "buried in it's own coffins" was met with excitement by the United Brotherhood of Carpenters. Full Story >> |
